Oh we're off to see the Wizard/Doctor/9-Year Old posing as a professional....

The knee, attached to the infamous ankle, has gone on the DL list. Three weeks preceded by four years of persistent, nagging pain have driven me into the waters of NHS. I've tried the following: Every OTC pain pill, Percocet, heat, ice, stretching, mumbled incantations, water therapy, massage, light exercise, no exercise, chanting to my chakras, yoga, religion, liquor (internally and topically), sun, compression, wall sits, and finally...praying for the odd umbrella to knock the darn thing out from under me.

I've come to associate knee pain in three ways:

1. The constant nagging ache that makes one feel aged and keeps you awake or restless at night and shimmies a bit from the left to the right.

2. The sharp acute pain caused by: high heels, mis-stepping, sudden knee bends, doing hydraulic-like maneuvers on the dance floor (three vodka sodas and suddenly you can DANCE), and jogging/running. This is more of a sickening nauseous pain that may be accompanied with a series of pops and hitches within the joint. It's possible to have said bastard joint fold up underneath you at the worst possible moment (like climbing a Mayan ruin in a jungle). Such acuteness will confine itself to the patella or pick a side. Popping and clicking comes from within.

3. The hot tearing pain accompanied with exercising-you recognize that you are probably doing some kind of damage but you needed to crouch down and get the mail, you just didn't realize that you might not want to get back up. An Advil dousing will generally numb this to a faint cry to 'STOP' and is easily ignored in the pursuit of showing all that being in your mid-twenties does NOT mean it's time to slow down! Pain will generally radiate down the side or back.

Now, the NHS has been good to me so far. I have a few great fears for the morrow.
1. I will be turned away despite my supporting documentation and assurances by the clinic nurse that the ONE HOSPITAL in my district will take on new patients (if you wish to explore the NHS system, go to their website-it's red).

2. The doctor I see will refer me to a specialist who will see me an do and MRI in eight months.

3. The doctor will proclaim that ice and the Euro equivalent to Advil is all they can offer and I'm screwed.

4. He suggests a diet-I might literally go for his throat (wait for upcoming posts with that one)-or he suggests more exercise to work through the problem.

5. He doesn't speak English.

6. He/She (sorry, don't want to be sexist) agrees something is wrong but thinks that America will be the best place for diagnosis (an I'll pay for a ticket how....).

7. They want to operate right away and lead me to the bearest butcher shop (okay that's a bit gross but if you ever saw Saw or Hostel you would understand).

8. He/She refers me to a PT who will have a slot open in 5 months.

9. I have to pay.

10. I don't see a doc at all but a student nurse.

If #10 happens I'm asking the first brute stranger to kneecap me so I can just go to Emergency or MediVac to Charlotte.

Needless to say, AoY has NOT been in the best of moods. The weather has been lovely (a bit brisk and we even had snow once!), people are bustling about and it's the perfect day for a run through Hyde Park but NOOOOOOOOOO, I have to power walk like a Floridian retiree replete with fanny pack (which my Brit friend informed me was NOT a good thing to say here-I forgot due to pain).

Odd happenings in London today:

1-The Tube seems to have a lot of fires and people caught under the tracks. In DC this made headlines but Londoners seem just impervious to the thought of a dea body by Upingham.

2-T and I saw a cross-dressed man with either the biggest drag queen bra ever or four canteloupes up under a bright blue Naughty Nurse Uniform waiting for the train at Westminister. A very GQ banker literally turned around to stair at the spectacle behind him.

3-My 'D' key is very sticky and difficult to type with. There are millions of words requiring the letter 'd' and there are no computer stores to be found in London, just Surrey.

4-I saw Little Red Riding Hood. Seriously, she had on black tights, red patent leather pumps ala Dorothy, a bright red dress and her cloak (trust, it was no coat) was navy with a crimson interior complete with red-lined hood. I almost applauded.

5-British people will in fact pay more attention to Hilary's running announcement and Bush's visit to DuPont and will demonstrate and pontificate on these issues much more than their own F*d up problems. Maybe it's all misdirection...

6-When you finally get it together and go to a damn doctor your problem area will suddenly 'heal' itself and you magically gain five pounds right before you step on the scale, damnit.

Fact of the Day: The Royal Bank of Scotland, which issues it's own Sterling notes, is the only UK bank to issue 1 pound notes. Okay Americans, we're a bit odd with our $1-which, I hate to tell you, is slated to be slowly phased out beginning soon.