To those who received this e-mail, sorry for the repeat but figured it desereved a place.

#789

In the past five days I've run £20 worth (That's 40 US dollars or 5 pairs) of panty hose and stockings. It's like they RUN (no pun intended) towards the nearest sharp object, including my finger nails. I've actually been reduced to wearing torn hose to the office. I've bought the drug store hose, the department store hose, and the £1.90 special support hose (I was running late and desperate) from the geriatric pharmacy up the road. And, as Dede and I have pointed out, the Brits seems to get their fun in devising panty hose that fit no normal woman. They either proffer a Size Small (thanks for playing that game kids) pointing that while you're far out of the weight range you are in fact quite short (thanks so much for that, again) so that when your doing the naked chicken hop around your flat at 6.45AM you realize that there is only enough cheap material to have the crotch hit your knees (maybe when I'm 90 this will be the case but I have a few more feet yet to go!) or that the waistband is now an ovary belt as it cannot contain that Christmas pudding you ate last week.

Then there is the kindly lady who steers you into the Large section, pointing out that whilst you might not fit perfectly in the weight category, you might (just might) have longer legs than your mere height suggests...Suddenly you have Jumpsuit Stockings. At least if I'm in a plane crash situation I could devise a parachute out of the extra fabric. Suddenly your crotch MUST be bagging to your knees as the double bow you've made in the waistband won't stay put. But is just as likely that, depending on the evil genius at the factory, a Large just might in fact fit like a small (see: naked chicken hop above)

I must further point out here that often there is no elastic in the actual tights and you just sort of roll them on and wiggle until your legs, now seven shades of mud or shiny plastic flesh (the Brits love them some shiny stockings) are somewhat covered. It is highly likely that your crotch is actually located on the back of your right thigh (maybe the Brits missed anatomy courses). And while the naked chicken hop entertains the neighbors you may also eventually expire from dehydration as you live in dread of needing a toilet and thus the prospect of hopping about the water closet and prompting security to assume someone MUST be up to hanky panky in the ladies room because of the banging and cursing and random flushing (that would be the automatic sensor or your head as you attempt to coax an extra inch from the ankle area). And men bitch about dress shoes?!?!

On the positive side I must point out that British stockings have the amazing fortitude to not develop gaping holes (unlike our American friends). Whether due to a lack of elastic, the sheer lack of any real structure resembling a leg, or their alternate purpose to net a fleeing wild animal, I can make it through the day with about three holes and no one really notices. I also LOVE the color descriptions. DKNY and Hanes (unavailable in most of the UK) have Tan, Beige Natural, Black, Taupe, Nude and Putty. In the UK you have the option of American Tan, Meditteranean Glow, Shiny Natural, Shiny American, Natural Tan, Ebony and Mahogany. Basically not skin tones seen in nature.

However, did I mention that the Mediums, which logically fall between the Small and Large size, can be one or the other, both or none? You might have the legs of a Small with the girdle of a XXL, or Rosanne Barr legs with a childlike bum (I almost said fanny but while this might be the one time both uses of the word could apply, I'd be censored in the newspapers). I have finally discovered why Boots (the pharmacy) sells stockings in a 2-For-1 package. One is the pair with with you attempt to survive the work day. The second is to string yourself up with or provide the looney bin with an extra set of restraints.

(On a side bar - it's a bit depressing that I've reached a place in my life where stockings are required every day...)
So that's the latest dispatch from Fulham...men clearly made stockings so that the glass ceiling would be all slippery as we break it :) Hope everyone is well and it made you smile!