So there is a loophole to Clause #789. Again, this was an e-mail that's going up - sorry!!

So I've found a minor loophole to the tights/stockings/panty hose issue here in London.

Hold ups!! Also known as thigh-highs in America, these delightful bits of actual elasticised nylon don't suffer the untold cruelties of sizing and seem to come in a more human array of colors (although darned if there aren't TONS of 'super-shiny' shades of 'American Tan'). The elastic/rubber strips at the top seem to work, if you run one leg (as I did this morning reaching for something) no worries! They come 2 to a pack so you have a better chance of getting through at LEAST two days for £5.50.

There is, however, a downside. Actually 3. The first is that rather than transforming into Giselle Bunchen when I slide these puppies on (ok yank and tug as I'm running late) one must be wary, ladies, that those of a slightly more 'athletic' bent of thigh might come out look like you've wrestled two Christmas hams into netting and sadly those blessed with more than 5% body fat might have the 'bulge factor' around the top. Just avoid looking in a mirror if this is the case. It's better to be a creature of mystery (to yourself at the least!) then see that you are not, in fact, ready to prance down the catwalk.

So that's number 1 and 1.5. Number 2 is that I now must live in mortal fear of risking some busted elastic or a drooping bit of rubber gripping (the poor dears are stretched to their limit) and be hustling down the street only to note that I now have a leg warmer of stocking. And because I stretched out the tops everyone on the street will know that my upper thigh is larger than Posh Spice's head. Twice over. Which brings me to number three. Rather than the naked chicken hopping dance (see previous post) one must now adopt the 'I'm trying to get down the street whilst pretending to hold a dime between my legs' stride. Think of a time when you had lots of shoppings bags and DESPERATELY needed a restroom. That thighs-pressed-together with a hint of sidle and swish. It's not so much a slinky stride of confidence as, well, you've busted the elastics in your pants.

So there it is. A loophole with which to hang yourself. I'll let yall know (or check Youtube) if disaster strikes whilst walking across the stage today at LSE!!!!

Cheerio from the Office Drone,

AoY

On a side note I have found that Yes, they stay up. However you might get some Indian rugburn style friction working between your skin and the elasticised tops. Using suspenders? The hooks bite into your bum/thigh if you sit for any amount of time in a chair. Do we honestly need further proof that no sane woman EVER invented these damn things!!!